Crazy out of this world dreams showing you what you fear the most

It's true, dreams are just a reflection of our subconscious. Every morning I wake up feeling like a penny has dropped. This morning I woke up with the resounding feeling that I'm selfish, every day I feel more in love with my boyfriend yet I can't be happy with the life I have? I opened my eyes hazily and crawled out of bed, realising the massive patch of blood on my sheets, meaning I had to hide it before my mum went to work, then when she left hurredly wash and dry my sheet and put it back on the bed like nothing happened. My dream last night was so horiffic I see it when I shut my eyes. I was in a Nazi concentration camp and couldn't get out although I wasn't meant to be there. I had to save my boyfriend, but in the end he escaped, and I was left alone in the dirt and dark. It's what I fear the most. If I lose him there is nothing left for me. I want to make the most of this. I love him so so much every time I think of him it makes me want to cry out of happiness. But I'm so scared I'll do something and lose him like I've don with everyone else. I want to talk to him about my problems, but I want him to see me as happy. This Eating Disorder is taking away the one chance I have to be happy. I can't let it do that but I don't know how to not let it...

I watched supersize vs superskinny before I left this morning. Yes late again. Very late this time, in fact just the 4 hours late :) Anyway, watching it made me realise just how much my Eating Disorder affects me. No matter where I am in my life I cannot hide from it. With Stevie I am so happy, yet I feel so fat around him which affects my confidence (which is practically nil at all times now), then all the scars covering my body, I hate being naked around him (>.<). I never have energy. I fall asleep in lessons at least twice a week. My grades have slipped drastically. I never go out and socialise because it's easier not to. I have no fun left in me. I want to die. And I can see myself living with this disorder forever. One of the girls on the program is 34. Thirty Four. Bi-polar there's no hope as there isn't a cure. And that scares me enough seeing that I've come so close to suicide many a time, and I'm not even 18 (yet... I'll get to that in a minute). Even if I get over the Eating Disorder one day, I've done so much damage to my body I'll die an early death anyway. I know that. I'm losing my voice, which is my only hope of a life seeing as I'm a classical singer. Purging is taking the skin of the back of my throat. I don't know how much more I can take. By the time I'm 30 I'll most likely have topped myself. I don't know how I'll be able to hold down a job when I'm older with all my sickness seeing as I'm never well, then if I have kids the stress will probably kill me. What is there for me? I can't even go a minute without thinking of food. I'm so crazily obsessed with it. Even when i was Anorexic, I loved cooking and watching people eat (for all the wrong reasons). Now I eat so much it's phenomenal. No wonder I scare my boyfriend. He makes joking comments about how much food I buy and how quickly I eat it. I wish I could explain in full why I'm so crazy...But when I'm with him I'm so happy I don't want to explain. Then there's food shopping which is an absolute nightmare, I even got searched the other week because I'd been in the Co-op for so long they thought I was stealing. Over an hour I spent in there and came out with nothing. I do that often, but when I do buy things the amount I get is ridiculous. And it's always the same girl who serves me. Embarrassing much? I'm actually quite amazed how I'm only a size 12/14 (UK) and can up to 20,000 calories in a binge. is mental. If I didn't throw up I'd be so much fatter. I just wish I could be skinny...

Then there's the mass looming over me that I'm 18 next week. For most people that'd be amazing. But one, I hate Birthdays with a passion. Two, my mother sat me down last night and told me all the things that are going to happen on my 18th birthday. The first thing she mentioned was that 'I shouldn't be disappointed whne I get nothing because she has no idea what to get me'. If I got a pound for every time I heard that from mum I'd be rich. Okay so £2 a year for Birthday and Christmas for the last 10 years.... Would only make me £20 but that's more than I've got in my bank right now. For grrrrrrr's sake :( I spend money on food like water. I got paid last week. £250. And it's gone. Don't ask me how. Although it was a tough week with binges, then direct debits, and a music hoodie, haircut, birthday presents, a new bra which cost me £30 cause I have 32H boobs and have to get them off a certain website. Darned boobs! Anyway, when i'm 18 I get the responsibility to take on my adoption file without anyone stopping me. Apparently in there is the letters that my birth parents have sent every 6 months, some have been ommitted because my birth parents were too emotional. Maybe because my adoptive parents wont keep in contact? Maybe? Yes I'm rather pissed. They've also sent me a few gifts which I will get on my 18th too. Thanks for keeping them from me parents! All my mum kept saying is that my older sister didn't even want to read the letters, she wanted nothing to do with them. And that if I do decide I want to meet them it's going to be a lot of hassle for the whole family and that I should think hard because It's going to be messy. She made them out to be nutcases, which scares me cause if I do decide to meet them I could end up creating more hassle for myself and everyone else. I know it'll be nothing I expect. But I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I don't want to hurt my adoptive parents. But I think I have to meet them for my own peace of mind. I have a lot of issues that I would like to leave in the past so I can move into adulthood. And this is the only way I think I can do it seeing as I no longer recieve any help for my issues. I'm so confused. I want to get better but only if that means I get thinner. I used to be so skinny even though I binged (tiny compared to mine now). I would give anything to look like that again. I would give anything to lose food's control over me. Then, three, I just hate birthdays. Every year I get older and I have such a bad memory it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. I always wanted to be older when I was younger. Hanging out with people twice my age, losing my virginity young, wearing make-up, wishing I was older. Now I'm about to become an adult I wish I could be younger again. I never really had a childhood because the depression made me aware of everything. I was too scared to do child-like things cause I thought they were childish. It's sad, I'm 17 and I feel 60.

I just honestly don't know what's left for me. I wish I could be happy with the life I have. I wish I could control my spending!!! Argh so many things.. I can't even begin to change any of them.

Good luck everyone, stay strong. Sonia x