Who says BED isn't dangerous

Possibly the most embarrassing day of my life. Well I could recite countless others but today definitely sits among the top.
My day started off brilliantly. Woke up next to my boyfriend on our 4 month anniversary, he made me breakfast in bed, and then we played the new Pokemon white together for ages (hahahahahah...). Blha blah blah got to work, and got a bollocking for leaving my shirt and badge at his. Sent me into a giant binge, ended up getting a ton of food at work. Started work in a foul mood, got to break time and ate yet more food. Not kidding you, calorie intake up to this point must have been well over 3,000. I waddled back to my shift and suddenly felt so so sick had to excuse myself and lock myself in the staff toilet. Promtly threw up so soo hard I became dizzy and fainted. Obviously, people wondered where I was as I was meant to be working and wasn't, apparently my arse manager was very angry thinking I was bunking off - dick - and after an hour crazily they discovered I  must be in the toilet as no one was answering and hadn't come out for ages and no one else was missing. Surely it wasn't that hard to figure out?
Anyway, they ended up calling an ambulance, and for some reason a fire crew was called to break down the door (yes I will see those broken hinges and new door for the rest of the time I work there and be reminded of this incident), found me passed out covered in sick... Mmmmmm. I managed to wriggle myself out of it just saying that I had a stomach bug or something and faint easily. They believed me. And I went back to work. Yes shows you how much Odeon care about their employee's. I was allowed home half an hour early, YES! But still. Verrrry embarrassing.
And I don't know what's going on with my head. I have found someone more important to me than being thin.    I have found someone whom makes me happy. Yet the rest of my life is a complete mess. I have had mood swings hourly lately. I don't even feel that low at the minute, but I'd still welcome death. At my boyfriends I eat so much even he made a 'joke' about it yesterday, which put me in the worst mood ever I even found it hard to talk to him, even though it was just a joke that my bag (we went to the shop) was about 6 times as heavy and full as his. Complete truth though. I can't stop eating. Every attempt I have to be thin I just binge and binge non stop. I give up. Although I have felt the gigantic pull of Mia lately. Not the binge side, that's always been there. But she's there whenever I eat now that I should throw up. I think that is my salvation. Just throw up after everything and properly. It's how I did it last time.
My life is a mess argh :(
My friend who I knew a few years back jumped in front of a train on Tuesday. I don't understand why it hurt me so much. I feel guilty that I ignored his texts, but I do everyone really. I feel horrible. I wish I kept in touch with him. Some girls in my class who are the most horrible people you would ever meet were laughing at how disgusting it was that they saw someone squished by a train, but even worse, they were annoyed that their train was delayed by hours. I didn't realise they were talking about him but I asked where and when it was. Bedhampton, Tuesday lunch-time. Yep, was him. I got up and laid into them. I was rather impressed at myself that I could stand up to them, but now they just laugh at me what ever I do. Could you honestly hate anyone more?
I give up on life, there's nothing worth living for. What is after death, I don't know. I wish I could make a difference to someone. Even listening to music at the moment, all I can think of is how can someone be so happy when people like Jaefus (my friend) can't be saved and jump in front of a train. I don't understand how people can be so blaze to everything going on around them. This world is horrible.

And so, In loving memory of Jaefus whom lived a tragically short life : 24/03/93 - 22/03/11
Even I will miss you <3

Stay strong guys, no matter how much it hurts x