Day one of the rest of my life.

I'm so confused about everything... It's weird, I've always been dead set on being a musician as a career, but I don't feel good enough. Then I always knew I wanted to go to university after college, but now I have no idea where and I've run out of time. I hurriedly applied to UCAS thinking that I'd love to go to Bath Spa or Chichester, but now things have happened and I don't want to go to either. I'd love to go to Southampton but I'd need AAB ideally to get there, but then I'd still have to wait another year to get a place, why would I waste a whole year doing nothing?
Life just seems too hard, every time I cycle and have a high period (I'm bi-polar), I just know that eventually that will fade and I'll be left lower than I was to start with. However I'm still in a peculiar nonchalant mood... With only one thing on my mind:
I need to be thin.
But I can't even do that. Bulimia forces me to binge, half the time I don't even know I'm doing it, it's like I black out almost and just stuff everything in my face. I always wondered where my my wages went every month, and gets extremely embarrassing when I have to explain to people that oh I can't buy you a present, or I can't do this or this because I have no money. They always ask why seeing as I have a job. I just make a face and attempt to avoid the situation. Now I know where it goes to. Last month I spent over £100 on binge foods. Can you believe it!? That's ridiculous, no wonder I never have any money for driving lessons, hence why I gave up months ago. Just another thing I've failed at...

So the last few days I have been hard planning a new regime that I could stick to. Today has gone verrrry well, although it is just day one and I know I will fail (like I say every time I will get thin, proof is in previous blogs, see for yourself!). I do admit though, this attempt feels different.
I can hear Ana again... She's back. 'She' (I say in inverted commas because I know it is just myself shouting at me to keep on going, but listening to it keeps me strong) made me get up at half 6 this morning and go for a run, which I extremely hate exercise and I'm so unfit I'm surprised I made it home to be honest with you -- not to mention, half 6! I struggle to get up at nine every day! And every time I wanted to stop, she shouted insisting I keep going to the next lamp-post, then to the end of the road. I got back and collapsed, but somehow managed to do my push ups and crunches. I can feel a binge coming though so must stay upstairs or I know I'll break. - The first step is always the hardest after all - I have so many reasons to do this. I have to. All that extra money I'll have from not binging! That's reason enough.

Why can't I just be happy? I just wish I could sort my life out: get organised, know what I'll be doing at the end of the year, get A's in my A levels, pass with merit or distinction in my graded music exams, be thin, ... , be happy with the life I have, have the motivation to go do things...
But it's not going to happen. For years I have struggled with bulimia, and my psychiatrists have given up. I'm not being transferred onto Adult Mental health services. For me this is the end of the road. I wish things could have been different. I feel horrible for what I put on other people. Firstly my boyfriend, I'm so in love with him words cannot express how strongly I feel, and for once I think I have found something more important to me than being thin. Yet I can't give up on this. I need to get rid of Bulimia and there's only one way I know how... Then there's one of my close friends whom also struggles with and ED. She turned round the other night, and in a very drunken state said that my friend (yes another close friend with an ED) and I were poison to her... That we were not good for her in her recovery.
Well that was one hard slap round the face. I knew she was trying to get better as I was helping her with her recovery, suggesting things that I'd known to help me. And you must know what it's like, unless someone has had an ED they do not understand in the slightest. Their 'cure' is that you should eat, or in my case stop eating and there we have it, simple! I refrained myself from talking about how much I wanted to be thin again around her -- well the odd mention I guess which is making me feel incredibly guilty .. I thought I was just showing her that I felt the same, that it's not easy at all... Obviously not.
Argh turns out you can't trust anyone these days can you.

I'm stuck in between everything. I want to be thin but I don't want to lose my boyfriend in the process. I want to be happy, but I want to be successful as well, and for me the two do not come together. I want to be there for my friends, but how can I when I myself am falling apart?

God, if you're up there, please help me out :(

Ahhh sorry for the gigantic rant.
Check out my pages, I will post my stats on there and diet progress :)
Stay strong guys, Sonia xx