ALiEns!!

Every little thing seems to affect me lately. My mood swings are so extreme and so frequent I end up scaring people. I feel like an utter nut case. Be warned this is going to go quite deep, so if you're feeling low I advise not to read as it will probably just depress you more.

I did for once start the day off in a good mood. Ended up binging and purging like normal. Yay. Got it in my hair (sorry) which fucked me off. Must admit it's the little things which annoy me the most. Like pressing next accidentally on a song you really like then having to spend ages to try and find that song again (should really clear out my music, it makes me feel so untidy, like my room, and work, and everything else which is messy in my life)... Anyway, then I was actually on time for college for once, until the bus just drove past with everyone at the bus stop shouting angry remarks at the bus driver - it wasn't even full! So I stumbled into college 20 minutes late after throwing up again in one of the college toilets (I seem to be getting rather expert at that). I ate something before I left for college and felt the urge to after all the nonsense of being late for the ten millionth time. Getting to college, my lecturer informs me that we don't have lesson and we can go home or do our assignment - promptly handing out a new piece of paper with our new assignment on it - the 11th one I have now. Great. I decided to stay as I knew I would only leave it till the last minute then not do it. Walked past the Library and my heart sank as I saw a giant memorial for Jaefus... Why do I just keep getting constant hits? I give up, really do. Don't know what that means but I really wish I could follow him. Jumping in front of a train seems like the perfect way to do it. I never really thought of it, but with any attempts there is a possibility you could live. Even with jumping off a cliff. Something might mean you live. Like that woman who fell out of a plane and survived falling over 20,000 feet. If you jump in front a train there is no chance. It would be instantaneous, at least everyone knows you mean it... Anyway seeing the memorial ripped a hole in my chest. I broke down and spent over an hour huddled in the corner of the reject toilets by the library which no one ever seems to be in cause they're so hot. After collecting myself I decided I'd write a note for Jaefus and post on the wall. There were a group of girls huddled round it but I decided not to chicken out and wrote simply 'I wish we could have kept in contact. I'll never forget you... x', leant over the girls and stuck it on the wall. As I walked away I heard one of them say to their friend, 'did you even know him?' the other girls said no and laughed. That pissed me off so much. Soo much I went and huddled up in one of the loo's again and cut deep. Another thing that annoys me, how I'm such a wuss I can't even cut without it hurting like mad and limping.  

But don't you think it's horrible how one person can die and although they leave an imprint, soon enough they will be forgotten. Not completely of course, but seeing yourself in a college as big as mine, no one would really notice me gone. Then you take the college in perspective of Hampshire, of England, of the UK, of Europe, of the world, of our galaxy, of the universe... Suddenly, you seem so small...

I know it's the same for everyone, but even if you made a difference to the world somehow - which is near on impossible - it wouldn't make a difference to the universe. Not really. If aliens invaded (haha I promise this has a point to it!!) they wouldn't care if you were famous, they wouldn't care who you are. A life is so fragile it can be extinguished in an instant.

On the topic of Aliens, my boyfriend is doing a project for his University work about them, so we have watched a lot of films (like signs, what a film!) and researched together into stories of abduction etc. Makes you think at times, for all you know this life could be fake. I know it's a trillion to one but you never know really do you? There was a theory I found rather interesting about the frequent UFO sightings. That they are not there as a threat to us, but to observe us to protect themselves. That we are such a violent race they are just checking in on us to see that we aren't building anything that could mean bad news for them. 

I even had an argument with one of my soul mates today. It just goes to show how hostile we are as a race. We are constantly hurting each other in more ways than one. We all take ourselves first, although I'd love to think I don't, we do. The wars that are going on in our world. All the damage we are doing to our planet in Global Warming, yet no one including myself wont do a thing about it. I like to do my part making sure lights are turned off, but that's no where near enough. As long as we're happy it's fine. We have what is coming to us. Then there's all the murders, rapes, and assaults, World Wars I and II - all those lives taken just because we can not settle our differences any other way. Our world is such a sad sad place, and scientists ask themselves why Eating Disorders and other mental conditions exist? Ah wow this is one depressing post I really do apologise. I just...

wish I could make a difference to the world.

wish I could stand up for things I believe in.

wish I could be a better person and take other people first.

wish I could be happy with the fact I'm completely and utterly in love. I have found the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life, yet I'm too selfish to be happy with that.

wish I could get off my lazy arse and do work, complete my A Levels, get a good job, become a doctor or someone who fights crime. I wish I could do something to make a difference.

wish I had nothing keeping me here so I could kill myself.

I apologise guys for the distressing post... You must think I'm nuts now with the whole alien thing, truth is I have no idea what I believe in. I'd love to be religious, and I am in the fact I believe there is something greater beyond our understanding, and I do believe that aliens exist seeing as there is water on Mars meaning life is capable of sustaining itself there. But if they exist, who knows?

Haha possibly the most random post, but feels so good to get that all off my chest!!!

Stay strong guys, hope I didn't weird you out too much : / Sonia :) xxx