Not to panic though, I fully ex-laxed and purged and did my sit up, inner thigh, press up routine, and went on an hour dog walk :) Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
I've been on such a roller-coaster of emotions lately too. My Bipolar has caused me to have wild mood swings on an hourly basis today. This morning I self harmed rather badly on my leg, which my Mum discovered due to the empty dressings packets... Note to self: should learn to throw them away before the monster discovers them >.< Nah, for my mother she hasn't been awfully bad today. I was allowed to stay out round my boyfriends last night, (a giant leap forward seeing as it's a push generally if I'm even allowed to stay over at a friends house, god forbid a MALE's house!), which is another thing that managed to get me over emotional, I'm really falling for him, which seems to hurt more than anything?
And then there's the fact that I'm a lazy shit and can't do any of my work. I should be right now completing things, but I just can't find the motivation for it. I was once upon a time a straight A student, but now, I've let the depression and ED take over completely, and I'm settling with C's. I hate my life. I even struggle to get those now too, let alone IF I do the work. I've literally let go of everything. I used to be a Grade 8 standard pianist and higher. But now I can't even manage to get more than 5 minutes a week practise. That is TERRIBLE for a musician!! Argghhh I just have so much work to do it's bloody consuming! Makes my head hurt :( I genuinely need to give up on life, die, start again, if you really do get reincarnated, but then I'd end up as a fish or something for all the horrid things I've done in my life. So the main dilemma is what do I do after the end of this year? I finish college and was planning to go to Uni, but I don't think I can. There's no hope in hell I'll get 3 A's which I need for Southampton, I could MAYBE get 2 B's and a C for Bath, but I couldn't make the audition so it's unlikely I'll get another, and even so, do I really want to move so far away? D: And then Chichester, I just don't fancy going to. I'm so confused I've always been sure about what I wanted to do with my life but now I have no clue. Hopefully in writing this I will discover what I want to do, but I'm still clueless.
Blegh I feel so full and bloated still from my binge. I so hope SGD goes better tomorrow or I'll think I'll hang myself.
I think that's everything I've felt today? Well, no but if I wrote down everything you'd be bored by the second line :)
SGD :
No comments:
Post a Comment