FAT C*NT...

Goooooood. Sorry for being away for so long... Don't really know who I'm talking to, guess myself really. But I have managed to escape my house and stay at my boyfriends for the last couple of weeks. Been binging non-stop since then. Gone up to 173lbs. : / Feel so crap just wish I could have normal eating and be a normal weight, like before I started all this.

Today was good, until waiting for a bus earlier, someone drove past and shouted out the window 'FAT C*NT!'...

Instantly you look round to see if they were shouting at anyone else, but the only person in near vicinity was my best friend Kms, whom is so skinny I wish she could see it. Half of me wished it was shouted at someone else, half wished it was aimed at me. It gives you determination, yet it hurts you so much I found it hard to fight back the tears. I really wish I could find the determination to get thin again. But I can't.
There was a verrrry voluptuous woman further up the road, part of me wishes it was aimed at her.
But if it wasn't, it makes you think. If one person can see it and was brave enough to shout it at me, then who else can?

God I feel crap :(

It was my 18th last Friday... Don't know whether to say it was good or not. Again I got nothing from my parents apart from a birthday card and a 'sorry I didn't get you anything, hope you're not disappointed'
Anyway then I was alone all day until met up with my boyfriend at 5 so from then on I had a good time. The morning was spent crying/cutting/binging..  <3

And soon I'll get the choice whether to meet my birth parents or not. Not being taken on by adult services so no help there. I'm dooomed.

Why do every time I take a step forward I end up taking two back?

Lol I give up, going now to play Pokemon and most likely binge and purge. Ahh :)
Stay strong guys, Sonia xx

Crazy out of this world dreams showing you what you fear the most

It's true, dreams are just a reflection of our subconscious. Every morning I wake up feeling like a penny has dropped. This morning I woke up with the resounding feeling that I'm selfish, every day I feel more in love with my boyfriend yet I can't be happy with the life I have? I opened my eyes hazily and crawled out of bed, realising the massive patch of blood on my sheets, meaning I had to hide it before my mum went to work, then when she left hurredly wash and dry my sheet and put it back on the bed like nothing happened. My dream last night was so horiffic I see it when I shut my eyes. I was in a Nazi concentration camp and couldn't get out although I wasn't meant to be there. I had to save my boyfriend, but in the end he escaped, and I was left alone in the dirt and dark. It's what I fear the most. If I lose him there is nothing left for me. I want to make the most of this. I love him so so much every time I think of him it makes me want to cry out of happiness. But I'm so scared I'll do something and lose him like I've don with everyone else. I want to talk to him about my problems, but I want him to see me as happy. This Eating Disorder is taking away the one chance I have to be happy. I can't let it do that but I don't know how to not let it...

I watched supersize vs superskinny before I left this morning. Yes late again. Very late this time, in fact just the 4 hours late :) Anyway, watching it made me realise just how much my Eating Disorder affects me. No matter where I am in my life I cannot hide from it. With Stevie I am so happy, yet I feel so fat around him which affects my confidence (which is practically nil at all times now), then all the scars covering my body, I hate being naked around him (>.<). I never have energy. I fall asleep in lessons at least twice a week. My grades have slipped drastically. I never go out and socialise because it's easier not to. I have no fun left in me. I want to die. And I can see myself living with this disorder forever. One of the girls on the program is 34. Thirty Four. Bi-polar there's no hope as there isn't a cure. And that scares me enough seeing that I've come so close to suicide many a time, and I'm not even 18 (yet... I'll get to that in a minute). Even if I get over the Eating Disorder one day, I've done so much damage to my body I'll die an early death anyway. I know that. I'm losing my voice, which is my only hope of a life seeing as I'm a classical singer. Purging is taking the skin of the back of my throat. I don't know how much more I can take. By the time I'm 30 I'll most likely have topped myself. I don't know how I'll be able to hold down a job when I'm older with all my sickness seeing as I'm never well, then if I have kids the stress will probably kill me. What is there for me? I can't even go a minute without thinking of food. I'm so crazily obsessed with it. Even when i was Anorexic, I loved cooking and watching people eat (for all the wrong reasons). Now I eat so much it's phenomenal. No wonder I scare my boyfriend. He makes joking comments about how much food I buy and how quickly I eat it. I wish I could explain in full why I'm so crazy...But when I'm with him I'm so happy I don't want to explain. Then there's food shopping which is an absolute nightmare, I even got searched the other week because I'd been in the Co-op for so long they thought I was stealing. Over an hour I spent in there and came out with nothing. I do that often, but when I do buy things the amount I get is ridiculous. And it's always the same girl who serves me. Embarrassing much? I'm actually quite amazed how I'm only a size 12/14 (UK) and can up to 20,000 calories in a binge. is mental. If I didn't throw up I'd be so much fatter. I just wish I could be skinny...

Then there's the mass looming over me that I'm 18 next week. For most people that'd be amazing. But one, I hate Birthdays with a passion. Two, my mother sat me down last night and told me all the things that are going to happen on my 18th birthday. The first thing she mentioned was that 'I shouldn't be disappointed whne I get nothing because she has no idea what to get me'. If I got a pound for every time I heard that from mum I'd be rich. Okay so £2 a year for Birthday and Christmas for the last 10 years.... Would only make me £20 but that's more than I've got in my bank right now. For grrrrrrr's sake :( I spend money on food like water. I got paid last week. £250. And it's gone. Don't ask me how. Although it was a tough week with binges, then direct debits, and a music hoodie, haircut, birthday presents, a new bra which cost me £30 cause I have 32H boobs and have to get them off a certain website. Darned boobs! Anyway, when i'm 18 I get the responsibility to take on my adoption file without anyone stopping me. Apparently in there is the letters that my birth parents have sent every 6 months, some have been ommitted because my birth parents were too emotional. Maybe because my adoptive parents wont keep in contact? Maybe? Yes I'm rather pissed. They've also sent me a few gifts which I will get on my 18th too. Thanks for keeping them from me parents! All my mum kept saying is that my older sister didn't even want to read the letters, she wanted nothing to do with them. And that if I do decide I want to meet them it's going to be a lot of hassle for the whole family and that I should think hard because It's going to be messy. She made them out to be nutcases, which scares me cause if I do decide to meet them I could end up creating more hassle for myself and everyone else. I know it'll be nothing I expect. But I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I don't want to hurt my adoptive parents. But I think I have to meet them for my own peace of mind. I have a lot of issues that I would like to leave in the past so I can move into adulthood. And this is the only way I think I can do it seeing as I no longer recieve any help for my issues. I'm so confused. I want to get better but only if that means I get thinner. I used to be so skinny even though I binged (tiny compared to mine now). I would give anything to look like that again. I would give anything to lose food's control over me. Then, three, I just hate birthdays. Every year I get older and I have such a bad memory it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. I always wanted to be older when I was younger. Hanging out with people twice my age, losing my virginity young, wearing make-up, wishing I was older. Now I'm about to become an adult I wish I could be younger again. I never really had a childhood because the depression made me aware of everything. I was too scared to do child-like things cause I thought they were childish. It's sad, I'm 17 and I feel 60.

I just honestly don't know what's left for me. I wish I could be happy with the life I have. I wish I could control my spending!!! Argh so many things.. I can't even begin to change any of them.

Good luck everyone, stay strong. Sonia x

ALiEns!!

Every little thing seems to affect me lately. My mood swings are so extreme and so frequent I end up scaring people. I feel like an utter nut case. Be warned this is going to go quite deep, so if you're feeling low I advise not to read as it will probably just depress you more.

I did for once start the day off in a good mood. Ended up binging and purging like normal. Yay. Got it in my hair (sorry) which fucked me off. Must admit it's the little things which annoy me the most. Like pressing next accidentally on a song you really like then having to spend ages to try and find that song again (should really clear out my music, it makes me feel so untidy, like my room, and work, and everything else which is messy in my life)... Anyway, then I was actually on time for college for once, until the bus just drove past with everyone at the bus stop shouting angry remarks at the bus driver - it wasn't even full! So I stumbled into college 20 minutes late after throwing up again in one of the college toilets (I seem to be getting rather expert at that). I ate something before I left for college and felt the urge to after all the nonsense of being late for the ten millionth time. Getting to college, my lecturer informs me that we don't have lesson and we can go home or do our assignment - promptly handing out a new piece of paper with our new assignment on it - the 11th one I have now. Great. I decided to stay as I knew I would only leave it till the last minute then not do it. Walked past the Library and my heart sank as I saw a giant memorial for Jaefus... Why do I just keep getting constant hits? I give up, really do. Don't know what that means but I really wish I could follow him. Jumping in front of a train seems like the perfect way to do it. I never really thought of it, but with any attempts there is a possibility you could live. Even with jumping off a cliff. Something might mean you live. Like that woman who fell out of a plane and survived falling over 20,000 feet. If you jump in front a train there is no chance. It would be instantaneous, at least everyone knows you mean it... Anyway seeing the memorial ripped a hole in my chest. I broke down and spent over an hour huddled in the corner of the reject toilets by the library which no one ever seems to be in cause they're so hot. After collecting myself I decided I'd write a note for Jaefus and post on the wall. There were a group of girls huddled round it but I decided not to chicken out and wrote simply 'I wish we could have kept in contact. I'll never forget you... x', leant over the girls and stuck it on the wall. As I walked away I heard one of them say to their friend, 'did you even know him?' the other girls said no and laughed. That pissed me off so much. Soo much I went and huddled up in one of the loo's again and cut deep. Another thing that annoys me, how I'm such a wuss I can't even cut without it hurting like mad and limping.  

But don't you think it's horrible how one person can die and although they leave an imprint, soon enough they will be forgotten. Not completely of course, but seeing yourself in a college as big as mine, no one would really notice me gone. Then you take the college in perspective of Hampshire, of England, of the UK, of Europe, of the world, of our galaxy, of the universe... Suddenly, you seem so small...

I know it's the same for everyone, but even if you made a difference to the world somehow - which is near on impossible - it wouldn't make a difference to the universe. Not really. If aliens invaded (haha I promise this has a point to it!!) they wouldn't care if you were famous, they wouldn't care who you are. A life is so fragile it can be extinguished in an instant.

On the topic of Aliens, my boyfriend is doing a project for his University work about them, so we have watched a lot of films (like signs, what a film!) and researched together into stories of abduction etc. Makes you think at times, for all you know this life could be fake. I know it's a trillion to one but you never know really do you? There was a theory I found rather interesting about the frequent UFO sightings. That they are not there as a threat to us, but to observe us to protect themselves. That we are such a violent race they are just checking in on us to see that we aren't building anything that could mean bad news for them. 

I even had an argument with one of my soul mates today. It just goes to show how hostile we are as a race. We are constantly hurting each other in more ways than one. We all take ourselves first, although I'd love to think I don't, we do. The wars that are going on in our world. All the damage we are doing to our planet in Global Warming, yet no one including myself wont do a thing about it. I like to do my part making sure lights are turned off, but that's no where near enough. As long as we're happy it's fine. We have what is coming to us. Then there's all the murders, rapes, and assaults, World Wars I and II - all those lives taken just because we can not settle our differences any other way. Our world is such a sad sad place, and scientists ask themselves why Eating Disorders and other mental conditions exist? Ah wow this is one depressing post I really do apologise. I just...

wish I could make a difference to the world.

wish I could stand up for things I believe in.

wish I could be a better person and take other people first.

wish I could be happy with the fact I'm completely and utterly in love. I have found the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life, yet I'm too selfish to be happy with that.

wish I could get off my lazy arse and do work, complete my A Levels, get a good job, become a doctor or someone who fights crime. I wish I could do something to make a difference.

wish I had nothing keeping me here so I could kill myself.

I apologise guys for the distressing post... You must think I'm nuts now with the whole alien thing, truth is I have no idea what I believe in. I'd love to be religious, and I am in the fact I believe there is something greater beyond our understanding, and I do believe that aliens exist seeing as there is water on Mars meaning life is capable of sustaining itself there. But if they exist, who knows?

Haha possibly the most random post, but feels so good to get that all off my chest!!!

Stay strong guys, hope I didn't weird you out too much : / Sonia :) xxx

Who says BED isn't dangerous

Possibly the most embarrassing day of my life. Well I could recite countless others but today definitely sits among the top.
My day started off brilliantly. Woke up next to my boyfriend on our 4 month anniversary, he made me breakfast in bed, and then we played the new Pokemon white together for ages (hahahahahah...). Blha blah blah got to work, and got a bollocking for leaving my shirt and badge at his. Sent me into a giant binge, ended up getting a ton of food at work. Started work in a foul mood, got to break time and ate yet more food. Not kidding you, calorie intake up to this point must have been well over 3,000. I waddled back to my shift and suddenly felt so so sick had to excuse myself and lock myself in the staff toilet. Promtly threw up so soo hard I became dizzy and fainted. Obviously, people wondered where I was as I was meant to be working and wasn't, apparently my arse manager was very angry thinking I was bunking off - dick - and after an hour crazily they discovered I  must be in the toilet as no one was answering and hadn't come out for ages and no one else was missing. Surely it wasn't that hard to figure out?
Anyway, they ended up calling an ambulance, and for some reason a fire crew was called to break down the door (yes I will see those broken hinges and new door for the rest of the time I work there and be reminded of this incident), found me passed out covered in sick... Mmmmmm. I managed to wriggle myself out of it just saying that I had a stomach bug or something and faint easily. They believed me. And I went back to work. Yes shows you how much Odeon care about their employee's. I was allowed home half an hour early, YES! But still. Verrrry embarrassing.
And I don't know what's going on with my head. I have found someone more important to me than being thin.    I have found someone whom makes me happy. Yet the rest of my life is a complete mess. I have had mood swings hourly lately. I don't even feel that low at the minute, but I'd still welcome death. At my boyfriends I eat so much even he made a 'joke' about it yesterday, which put me in the worst mood ever I even found it hard to talk to him, even though it was just a joke that my bag (we went to the shop) was about 6 times as heavy and full as his. Complete truth though. I can't stop eating. Every attempt I have to be thin I just binge and binge non stop. I give up. Although I have felt the gigantic pull of Mia lately. Not the binge side, that's always been there. But she's there whenever I eat now that I should throw up. I think that is my salvation. Just throw up after everything and properly. It's how I did it last time.
My life is a mess argh :(
My friend who I knew a few years back jumped in front of a train on Tuesday. I don't understand why it hurt me so much. I feel guilty that I ignored his texts, but I do everyone really. I feel horrible. I wish I kept in touch with him. Some girls in my class who are the most horrible people you would ever meet were laughing at how disgusting it was that they saw someone squished by a train, but even worse, they were annoyed that their train was delayed by hours. I didn't realise they were talking about him but I asked where and when it was. Bedhampton, Tuesday lunch-time. Yep, was him. I got up and laid into them. I was rather impressed at myself that I could stand up to them, but now they just laugh at me what ever I do. Could you honestly hate anyone more?
I give up on life, there's nothing worth living for. What is after death, I don't know. I wish I could make a difference to someone. Even listening to music at the moment, all I can think of is how can someone be so happy when people like Jaefus (my friend) can't be saved and jump in front of a train. I don't understand how people can be so blaze to everything going on around them. This world is horrible.

And so, In loving memory of Jaefus whom lived a tragically short life : 24/03/93 - 22/03/11
Even I will miss you <3

Stay strong guys, no matter how much it hurts x

Day one of the rest of my life.

I'm so confused about everything... It's weird, I've always been dead set on being a musician as a career, but I don't feel good enough. Then I always knew I wanted to go to university after college, but now I have no idea where and I've run out of time. I hurriedly applied to UCAS thinking that I'd love to go to Bath Spa or Chichester, but now things have happened and I don't want to go to either. I'd love to go to Southampton but I'd need AAB ideally to get there, but then I'd still have to wait another year to get a place, why would I waste a whole year doing nothing?
Life just seems too hard, every time I cycle and have a high period (I'm bi-polar), I just know that eventually that will fade and I'll be left lower than I was to start with. However I'm still in a peculiar nonchalant mood... With only one thing on my mind:
I need to be thin.
But I can't even do that. Bulimia forces me to binge, half the time I don't even know I'm doing it, it's like I black out almost and just stuff everything in my face. I always wondered where my my wages went every month, and gets extremely embarrassing when I have to explain to people that oh I can't buy you a present, or I can't do this or this because I have no money. They always ask why seeing as I have a job. I just make a face and attempt to avoid the situation. Now I know where it goes to. Last month I spent over £100 on binge foods. Can you believe it!? That's ridiculous, no wonder I never have any money for driving lessons, hence why I gave up months ago. Just another thing I've failed at...

So the last few days I have been hard planning a new regime that I could stick to. Today has gone verrrry well, although it is just day one and I know I will fail (like I say every time I will get thin, proof is in previous blogs, see for yourself!). I do admit though, this attempt feels different.
I can hear Ana again... She's back. 'She' (I say in inverted commas because I know it is just myself shouting at me to keep on going, but listening to it keeps me strong) made me get up at half 6 this morning and go for a run, which I extremely hate exercise and I'm so unfit I'm surprised I made it home to be honest with you -- not to mention, half 6! I struggle to get up at nine every day! And every time I wanted to stop, she shouted insisting I keep going to the next lamp-post, then to the end of the road. I got back and collapsed, but somehow managed to do my push ups and crunches. I can feel a binge coming though so must stay upstairs or I know I'll break. - The first step is always the hardest after all - I have so many reasons to do this. I have to. All that extra money I'll have from not binging! That's reason enough.

Why can't I just be happy? I just wish I could sort my life out: get organised, know what I'll be doing at the end of the year, get A's in my A levels, pass with merit or distinction in my graded music exams, be thin, ... , be happy with the life I have, have the motivation to go do things...
But it's not going to happen. For years I have struggled with bulimia, and my psychiatrists have given up. I'm not being transferred onto Adult Mental health services. For me this is the end of the road. I wish things could have been different. I feel horrible for what I put on other people. Firstly my boyfriend, I'm so in love with him words cannot express how strongly I feel, and for once I think I have found something more important to me than being thin. Yet I can't give up on this. I need to get rid of Bulimia and there's only one way I know how... Then there's one of my close friends whom also struggles with and ED. She turned round the other night, and in a very drunken state said that my friend (yes another close friend with an ED) and I were poison to her... That we were not good for her in her recovery.
Well that was one hard slap round the face. I knew she was trying to get better as I was helping her with her recovery, suggesting things that I'd known to help me. And you must know what it's like, unless someone has had an ED they do not understand in the slightest. Their 'cure' is that you should eat, or in my case stop eating and there we have it, simple! I refrained myself from talking about how much I wanted to be thin again around her -- well the odd mention I guess which is making me feel incredibly guilty .. I thought I was just showing her that I felt the same, that it's not easy at all... Obviously not.
Argh turns out you can't trust anyone these days can you.

I'm stuck in between everything. I want to be thin but I don't want to lose my boyfriend in the process. I want to be happy, but I want to be successful as well, and for me the two do not come together. I want to be there for my friends, but how can I when I myself am falling apart?

God, if you're up there, please help me out :(

Ahhh sorry for the gigantic rant.
Check out my pages, I will post my stats on there and diet progress :)
Stay strong guys, Sonia xx

Fuck this, why can't I be skinny again!?

Right, like every few fricking weeks I've decided I MUST BE SKINNY or die. I hate feeling like this, at least when I was thin I could blame everything wrong in my life on the fact I was anorexic, never ate and was dying. Now I have nothing. I'm just a fuck up. I have no routine and that is my problem. I have decided (again) I need a routine, in my life as much as eating. So I'm sorry but the next bit will be quite boring, it's more for my own peace of mind than reading material. I'm going to plan out my eating and daily routines. Nothing crazy or I wont stick to it, I just give up so neeeeeeeed to do this!

Right dieting.

FOOD RULES:

I have decided to cut out all the crap. I can eat as much salad and healthy things as I like, will slowly take this to eat only 0cal foods. 

I will aim for around 500 cals a day, (aiming to take up 2468/ABC at some point. Or maybe even 23456 dunno what ever floats my boat when I get to that!) but eat a small something every other hour, just nothing substantial till I get home so my parents see me eating. 

If I need to binge then it must be on salad or fruit etc. And I must drink a pint of water before, clean my teeth and eat some gum. Hopefully after all this I will not even need to binge on that! If that doesn't work I will play videogames (>.<), do work HA!, ping an elastic band on my wrist, diet coke, green/herbal tea, hoover, cup a soup, low cal drinks, fruit/veg, work on my blog, look at thinspo, clean, dance around wildly, just anything to stop me. 

In the event of a binge, I must purge in some way, either purging, ex-lax, exercise mad, fast, cut. Anything to punish me for my mistake :)

Diet pilllllsssssss <3

GOING TO WRITE A FOOD/EXERCISE DIARY :D

EXERCISE ¬¬:

If you don't know, I'm an absolute exercise hater, so I know what I'm going to be doing isn't a lot, but I am hoping to work it up slowly slowly, and maybe I'll get back to my fanatical ways :)

Right, I will aim to do my crunches (using a sit up bar -- 40 legs straight up 90 degrees, 40 normal crunches feet touching the floor, 40 knees to the left, 40 knees to the right), push ups (50 using push up bars, on knees to begin with), and inner thigh squeezes (a 90 degree angled bar with a spring in the middle you put in between your legs and squeeze and release -- start at 50/75, work to 100+) once a day in the morning, however if I miss a day it's no big deal at first, just as long as I do it more than four times a week. Eventually I am hoping to do this twice a day :)

SLENDERTONE <3 starting at 20 mins a day, not a big deal if I miss this again at first, slowly work up to 40 mins a day every day

Walking to work and back. I work 2/3 shifts a week and it's 2 and a half miles one way, so if I walk there and back that's 5 miles, and speed walking is extremely good exercise! Can mix it up and cycle some days too :)

Not until I'm ready or I know I wont stick at this, maybe after losing 7lbs. I will go to the gym 3 times a week (as they are the only times I can use the college gym :( ) Doing 15 mins running, 15 mins cross trainer, 30 mins weights.

OTHER -- Dog walking, dance mat!!, running, youtube videos, dancing wildly :), sex ;)....

REASONS TO BE THIN:

Every day I should look at thinspo, work on my blog, and think of new reasons to be thin. These are some :)

People will see your beautiful gorgeous bones, you’ll be seen as graceful and womanly

A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. 

Time moves so fast when you’re eating, you’ll just want more after, don’t ruin your progress!!!

Everyone notices skinny girls, no one notices fat girls

Fat girls don’t get jobs or reach success

You’ll save time and money through not eating, you’ll be happier!!!!

Every bite makes you fat and sluggish. Food is the enemy, food is poison, food is two faced.

I shall not be tempted by the enemy (food), and I shall not give into temptation should it arise. Should I be in such a weakened state and I should cave, I will feel guilty and punish myself accordingly, for I have failed her.
I will be thin, at all costs. It is the most important thing; nothing else matters.
 I will devote myself to Ana. She will be with me where ever I go, keeping me in line. No one else matters; she is the only one who cares about me and who understands me. I will honor Her and make Her proud

I don’t want to be ordinary, I want to be extra-ordinary!

If it was easy everyone would be thin

I want to be thin at all costs, and truth is, eating wont get me there!

-- Finally, sorry this is the boring part guys, but my weekly routine.

Monday - Up at 8.20, get ready, 'breakfast', leave at 9.10

Home, relax :)

Tuesday - Up at 9.00, get ready, blah blah

Wednesday - Up at 9.30, blah blah, English catch up

Home, Music music music revision/work:)

Thursday - Up at 7.20 ¬¬ blah blah

Home, English revision

Friday - Up 9.30, blah blah

Music revision/work

Saturday - WORK :) Singing Practise

Sunday - Work :) Piano Practise.

Surely if I stick to this my life should turn itself around? I bet not : / Wish me luck guys hey....

Will keep you posted :)

Stay strong, Sonia xx

I'm back but not?

Sorry for the promised pages, and the let down that they haven't been finished. I haven't so much as gone near my computer in a very long time, let alone my blog. I've fallen to pot lately. Literally. Just so much has gone on. The last 3 weeks, not including this one, I didn't go to college. I had kidney problems and all sorts of issues, just feeling so incredibly down that I now have so many cuts on me I don't have any canvas left. I have so much college work to do and I just can't do it. I'm panicking big, big time :( Such a moody cow I guess it's better I stay away from here.
I promise I will get the pages up and running when I'm feeling better. Hope everyone's doing well :)
Stay strong, Sonia xx